Humor of the Sea

[Nightmoss]

Rob the Pirate was drinking rum all night.

He thought he’d feel better in the morning if he drank some hot water – but it only made him groggy.

[Bligh]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

[Bligh]

The Frigate was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn captain in Jamaica.”
“Oh I am,” replied the captain firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in the Azores by now.”

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history?

[Bligh]

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history?

If they new that they must have known me 50 years ago Jim.
I have seldom touched Rum from that week.
Rob.

[Bligh]

A the result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.
As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain replies , " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth..."

Rob.

[Bligh]

What if the Battle of Trafalgar had taken place in modern times?



Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the deck of HMS Victory;


Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.” “What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”


Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”


Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ………..full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”


Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”


Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny !”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”


Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”


Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”


Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why do Pirates moored a captured Ship by the stern?

It's being held to transom.


Bligh.