Humor of the Sea

[Bligh]

A treasure ship on its way back to port.

About halfway there, it was approached by a pirate ship, skull and crossbones waving in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate. "First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea chest, and bring me my red shirt."
The first mate did so. Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two pirate sloops! "Captain, captain, what should we do?" "First mate, bring me my red shirt!" The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration.

The first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt. "It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."
A week passed by, and as they were nearing their home port, when suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's Fleet were approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?" The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my brown breeches!"


Bligh.

[Bligh]

My Jolly boat crew are really too talkative.

They are always sticking their oar in.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why are fast Frigates like popular furniture stores?

Because they always seem to have gigantic sails on.


Rob.

[Bligh]

“I saw a chap with a big bushy beard earlier.”

“Was it a naval beard?”

“No, it was on his chin like everyone else”.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Which sailors blow their noses most often?

The Anchor Chiefs.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven Cs.
Bligh.

[Bligh]

Starting to run out of jokes now. Anyone else like to chip in with a few nautical wimseys?


Just bought a really expensive barge pole.

Thought I'd really push the boat out.


Rob.

[Bligh]

I can’t think of any more boat puns.

Canoe?

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

Thanks Dave.
Baled me out again.
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What do you do with a sick boat?

A: Take it to the doc!

[Bligh]

Found one at last Jim.
Thanks for standing in there.

3.14% of Sailors are Pi Rates.

Rob.

[Bligh]

Question: Who's that at the door?

Answer: A pirate with a wooden leg.

Questioner: Tell him to hop it.

Rob.

[Bligh]

There's a Pirate at the Tavern door with a Bill.

Don't be silly it must be a Seagull with a hat on.




Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: What is a pirate's favorite element?

A: Aye. Ye might say aarrrrgon, but no, it's the element of surprise!

[Bligh]

Good one Jim.
Two jokes in one.
Keep them coming.
Rob.

[Nightmoss]

A: What did the Pirate on Wheel of Fortune say?

Q: I’d like to buy an Aye!

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why don’t you ever see a pirate cry?

A: When they do, it’s a private tear!

[Naharaht]

In ancient times, seagoing vessels were much more fuel efficient. They got thousands of miles to the galleon.

[Bligh]

Rob.

[Bligh]

Nautical Terms:

Ahoy The first in a series of four letter words commonly exchanged by skippers as their boats approach one another

Amidships - condition of being surrounded by boats.

Anchor - a device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times.

Anchor Light - a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.

Bar - Long, low lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbour entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found in large numbers around both.

Beam Sea - A situation in which waves strike a boat from the side, causing it to roll unpleasantly. This is one of the four directions from which wave action tends to produce extreme physical discomfort. The other three are 'bow sea' (waves striking from the front), 'following sea' (waves striking from the rear), and 'quarter sea' (waves striking from any other direction).

Bend - A knot used to tie two lines together in a manner such that it cannot be untied, yet has the uncanny ability to untie itself when unattended.

Berth - a little addition to the crew.



Boom - A laterally mounted spar to which a sail is fastened, used during jibing to shift crew members to a fixed, horizontal position.

Bulkhead - Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much

Cabin - A cramped, closet like compartment below decks where crew members may be stored - on their sides if large or on end if small - until needed.

Calm - Sea condition characterised by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beer

Channel - Narrow stretch of deep or dredged waterway bordered by buoys or markers that separates two or more grounded boats

Chart - a type of map which tells you exactly where you are aground.

Clew - an indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.

Course - The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing. Also, the language that results by not being able to.

Current - Tidal flow that carries a boat away from it desired destination or toward a hazard.

Crew - Heavy, stationary objects used on shipboard to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom.

Dead Reckoning - a course leading directly to a reef.

Displacement - when you dock your boat and can't find it later.

Fitting Out - Series of maintenance tasks performed on boats ashore during good weather weekends in spring and summer months to make them ready for winter storage.

Flashlight - Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.



Flotsam - Anything floating in the water from which there is no response when an offer of a rum is made.

Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom: also, any occasion when this happens on the first try.

Galley - Ancient: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery.
Modern: Aspect of seafaring associated with slavery



Gimbals - Movable mountings often found on shipboards lamps, compasses etc which provide landlubbers an opportunity to observe the true motions of the ship in relation to them, and thus prevent any recently ingested food from remaining in their digestive systems long enough to be converted into unwanted calories.

Grounding - Embarrassing situation in which a sailor returns to shore without leaving his boat.

Gybe - A common way to get unruly guests off your boat.

Hatch - An opening in a deck leading to the cabin below with a cover designed to let water in while keeping fresh air out.

Hull speed - The maximum theoretical velocity of a given boat through the water, which is 1.5 times the square root of its waterline length in feet, divided by the distance to port in miles, minus the time in hours to sunset cubed.

Jibe - Course change which causes the boom to sweep rapidly across the cockpit; also, frequent type of comment made by observers of this maneuver.

Lanyard - A light line attached to a small article so that it can be secured somewhere well out of reach.

Leeward - The direction in which objects, liquids and other matter may be thrown without risk of re encountering them in the immediate future.

Life jacket - Any personal floatation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel, above water long enough to be run over by it or another rescue craft.

Mizzen - The shorter aft mast on a yawl or ketch. Any mast that is no longer there.

Moon - Earth’s natural satellite. During periods when it displays a vivid blue color, sailing conditions are generally favorable.


Pilotage - The art of getting lost in sight of land, as opposed to the distinct and far more complex science of navigation used to get lost in offshore waters.

Port - 1. Left on a boat.
2. A place you wish you never left on a boat.

Propeller - Underwater winch designed to wind up at high speeds any lines left hanging over the stern.

Radar - Extremely realistic kind of electronic game often found on larger sailboats. Players try to avoid colliding with “blips” which represent other sailboats, large container ships and oil tankers.


Sailing - The art of getting wet and becoming ill while slowly going nowhere at great expense.

Satellite Navigation - Sophisticated electronic location method that enables sailors to instantly determine the exact latitude and longitude, within just a few feet, anywhere on the surface of the of the earth, of whatever it was they just ran aground on.

Single handed sailing - The only situation in which the skipper does not immediately blame the crew for every single thing that goes wrong

Spinnaker - Large beautiful balloon shaped sail used in powerful downwind sailing, collapses at the sides to make control difficult and when lowered stores neatly into the galley and main cabin and heads all at the same time.

Tides - The rise and fall of ocean waters. There are two tides of interest to mariners: the ebb tide sailors encounter as they attempt to enter port and the flood tide they experience as they try to leave.

Yardarm - Horizontal spar mounted in such a way that when viewed from the cockpit, the sun is always over it.

Yawl - A sailboat from Texas, with some good bourbon stored down yonder in the cabin

Zephyr - Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

[Bligh]

What do you call a sailor with a large flatfish on his head?

Ray.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

What's are the most dangerous vegetables on a ship?

Leeks!

Bligh.

[Nightmoss]

A landlubber, a sailor, and an old salty pirate went into a tavern and
they each ordered a mug of rum. They all found a fly in their drink.

The landlubber looked into his mug and said, "Hey bartender,
I have a fly in my rum. Give me another drink."

The sailor looked into his mug, found the fly,
reached in an picked it out then continued drinking.

The old salty pirate looked into his mug, saw the fly,
grabbed it by it's wings, shook it over the glass and yelled,
"Spit it out, Spit it out!"

Credit for this joke goes to: http://brethrencoast.com/Pirate_Humor.html

[Bligh]

A Ships painter was awarded the job of painting a Sloop and when the newly appointed Captain asked him, how long it would take him to finish the job, he replied, "Two weeks".
Three weeks went by and the Captain, a little concerned of the delay, confronted the painter. "You told me that it would take you two weeks to paint my Sloop and it's been three weeks. The painter put his paintbrush down, looked the Captain in the eye and said, "That was two NAUTICAL weeks, just like a nautical mile, they're a little longer".


Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Q: Which side of his boat does a good pirate try to avoid?

A: The outside.

[Nightmoss]

Rob the Pirate was drinking rum all night.

He thought he’d feel better in the morning if he drank some hot water – but it only made him groggy.

[Bligh]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

[Bligh]

The Frigate was hopelessly lost on the ocean. The sun was going down and the waves were starting to build when one of the sailors growled, “I thought you said you were the best damn captain in Jamaica.”
“Oh I am,” replied the captain firmly, "but I'm pretty sure we're in the Azores by now.”

Rob.

[Nightmoss]

Many a true word Jim.
That effect can last several days.
Believe me I know from sad experience.
Rob.

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history?

[Nightmoss]

Q: Why did the pirate go on vacation?

A: He needed some arrr and arrrr!

[Bligh]

Believe it or not I did not substitute your name in that joke. It's exactly as I found it. Did they know you from past history?

If they new that they must have known me 50 years ago Jim.
I have seldom touched Rum from that week.
Rob.

[Bligh]

A the result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.
As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain replies , " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth..."

Rob.

[Bligh]

What if the Battle of Trafalgar had taken place in modern times?



Just before the Battle of Trafalgar - a conversation is overheard on the deck of HMS Victory;


Nelson: “Order the signal, Hardy.”
Hardy: “Aye, aye sir.”
Nelson: “Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to Flags. What’s the meaning of this?”
Hardy: “Sorry sir?”
Nelson (reading aloud): ” England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.” “What gobbledygook is this?”
Hardy: “Admiralty policy, I’m afraid, sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting ‘England’ past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”


Nelson: “Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
Hardy: “Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments.”

Nelson: “In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.”
Hardy: “The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”


Nelson: “Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it ………..full speed ahead.”
Hardy: “I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

Nelson: “Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
Hardy: “That won’t be possible, sir.”
Nelson: “What?”
Hardy: “Health and Safety have closed the crow’s nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladders don’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

Nelson: “Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
Hardy: “He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’c’sle Admiral.”
Nelson: “Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
Hardy: “Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.”
Nelson: “Differently abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”


Nelson: “Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
Hardy: “A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven’t you seen the adverts?”


Nelson: “I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
Hardy: “The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
Nelson: “What? This is mutiny !”
Hardy: “It’s not that, sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There’s a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”


Nelson: “Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
Hardy: “Actually, sir, we’re not.”
Nelson: “We’re not?”
Hardy: “No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.”

Nelson: “But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
Hardy: “I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on disciplinary report.”
Nelson: “You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King.”
Hardy: “Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it’s the rules. It could save your life”


Nelson: “Don’t tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
Nelson: “What about sodomy?”
Hardy: “I believe that is now legal, sir.”


Nelson: “In that case …kiss me, Hardy.

Bligh.

[Bligh]

Why do Pirates moored a captured Ship by the stern?

It's being held to transom.


Bligh.

[Naharaht]

Here is another groaner.

[Bligh]

Good one Dave.

Now something more Philosophical :

If the Ships Captain says something in the middle of the Ocean is he still wrong.

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

That reminded me of this one Dave.

Ten years on a deserted island

A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!", he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

And the man replies, "Wow! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

How do you save a drowning pirate?

with C P ARRRRRRRRR

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

What did the Captain say to the crew when they had a problem?

Don't forget that we are in the same boat.

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

Rob.

[Naharaht]

[Bligh]

[Naharaht]